Highnold Delivers Haute Health Weed Horoscopes — TODAY ONLY!
🔥HAUTE HOROSCOPES: STONED AND SHREDDED with ARNOLD “HIGH-nold” SCHWARZENEGGER🔥
“Zodiac is not a game… it is a full-body spiritual workout. And I am SPOTTER OF THE STARS.”
Hello my little cosmic cupcakes,
It is I, Arnold. But not the normal Arnold. No. I am HIGH-nold. I have smoked something called “Yoda’s Breath” and now I can hear the horoscope gods doing push-ups inside my brain.
I am no longer merely man. I am baked beyond belief. I am the Abs-terdam Astronaut. I see time. I smell colors. I flex in multiple dimensions. You want your future? I crushed it into a protein shake and drank it through a bong straw.
You wake up yelling. Your alarm clock is scared of you. You are doing burpees in your sleep. Smoke something strong like Bruce Banner, but do not try to fight a mirror again. That’s YOU, dummy.
Advice: Not everything is a competition. Unless it is. Then WIN. Or just get really high and flex for no reason.
You are slow, powerful, and horny for carbs. You deserve pleasure. Get some Wedding Cake, eat it with cake, inside of a cake. Become the cake.
Warning: You may fall in love with your couch. Again.
You are like a confused squirrel in a vape shop. So many ideas. No execution. Smoke Pineapple Express and record a podcast where you argue with yourself.
Pro Tip: Only say “Let’s circle back” if you know where the circle is going. You don’t.
You cried at a dog commercial. And a sandwich commercial. You are strong, but sensitive, like me in Kindergarten Cop.
Grab some Blue Dream, wear a robe, and whisper to the moon.
Affirmation: Feelings are gains for the soul. Let it out, you teary beefcake.
You walk into a room and everyone claps—even if they weren’t planning to. Smoke Super Lemon Haze and do a TED Talk about your abs.
Warning: Not everyone is your audience, but yes, you are a star.
You alphabetized your edibles. You made a spreadsheet for your grinder usage. I respect the discipline, but you need Harlequin to calm down.
Reminder: You cannot plan the future. That’s MY job. I’m jacked and clairvoyant.
You changed outfits four times before leaving the house to get more weed. Smoke some Strawberry Cough and make a pros and cons list for every decision, including what angle to post your bong rip.
Style Tip: Crocs can be sexy. With enough confidence.
You are mysterious. Dangerous. Possibly high and hiding behind a curtain right now. Death Bubba will send you deeper into your sexy spiral.
Advice: Do NOT start a petty revenge plot just because someone took your lighter. Actually… do it. But look hot doing it.
You booked a trip to Peru just to “feel something.” You smoked Jack Herer and now you’re giving a lecture about the emotional weight of cereal mascots.
Truth Bomb: You are the friend who disappears for 3 days and comes back with a tattoo of a weed leaf and a llama.
You smoked Northern Lights and wrote a 9-point business plan in Sharpie on your own thighs.
Reminder: Not every moment needs to be monetized. Chill, my ambitious goat. Take a break before your eyeballs form LLCs.
You are the only person I know who has tried to astral project into a microwave. Alien OG will take you higher—but please, stop trying to explain NFTs to your grandma.
Best Use of Time: Start a conspiracy theory that weed cured Atlantis. People will believe you. You are VERY persuasive when high.
Pisces, you are crying and no one knows why. Maybe YOU don’t know why. You smoked Gelato and got emotional because a cloud looked like your ex’s dog.
Weekly Plan: Smoke. Paint. Cry. Smoke again. Listen to sad girl music. Levitate.
You are strong. You are stoned. You are made of stars and snacks.
Never stop flexing your heart muscles, and if anyone doubts you, just scream:
“I’M BAKED, NOT BROKEN!!”
I’ll be back… with snacks. 💪🌬️🌌
Peter Kilmer is an energetic, unstoppable force in the wide world of weed. With over 12 years experience in the industry, Peter has established himself as a go-to source for all things organic ganja. As an avid grower himself and aficionado for all things plant genetics, Mr. Kilmer travels around North & South America seeking the best plants that both nature and human cultivation can provide. Hailing from Boulder, Colorado, Peter has been a part of the Haute Health team for several years as a content writer and eager member of the ‘product testing team’. Peter specializes in cultivation, cannabis technology, genetics and plant medicine. He also happens to be a fantastic cook, and his homemade cannabis creations are widely renowned amongst his peers. When he’s not adventuring in the open spaces of Canada, the U.S. or Argentina, Mr. Kilmer is involved with a lot of cannabis outreach groups & events. His true passion is to help the plants grow and keep the ganja flowing by sharing all the best growing tips, teaching cultivation techniques and reporting on innovations in cannabis genetics. If you’ve ever visited a Cannabis Cup or tradeshow, you’ve probably run into Peter. Haute Health is proud to have Peter on their team, and his insights into the science of cannabis are a major reason why Haute Health is Canada’s leading online dispensary. If you’d like to get in touch with Peter with regards to cannabis events in your area, please reach out to our customer care team and they’ll be happy to connect you with Mr. Kilmer.